Nips' Conniptions

(Every Day Is Thursday!)

As I'm sure you're by now aware, the new mantra around the compound is "EDIT!," a horrible, horrible thing. As such, I haven't had time to wordsmith out some quality updates on the life of Nips, so I'm going to quickly bring you up to speed before one of the most eventful weekends of the summer is upon us (me).

Lessee, firstly, a couple weekends ago, I set out to conquer das boot. The event was to take place at Gasthof's, an awesome purveyor of German lemonade, on a Saturday night. It turned out, however, that the boot required a stiff deposit and, more importantly, was a bit too aerodynamic for the groove thang shaking that was to be done. To polka covers of 1990's music (Wouldn't want that boot lodged in some unfortunate nook, cranny, or crevice). Anyway, I stuck with the more traditional mug style, thinking that this would pay off the next day. Then I proceeded to unwittingly consume 2.5 liters of German beer. That's a half liter more than the boot. Curses.

The next day Switch crash landed at my pad on her way to the Bender. To reorient her, I took her to a victorious Twins game (her first, and probably last, in the Dome), saw some big cherry on a spoonbridge, and let her test drive my fancy new futon mattress. I sent her on her way in the morning on my way to work and did not emerge from the dungeon until several hours after she had completed the 10 hr trek to Domerville. It was an exciting Monday!


Mmm... so last weekend... I stayed out in the 'burbs and caught a few rays, but mostly z's. Ended up downtown on Saturday night babysitting the drunkards. AND I WON A GAME OF CRICKET! It is possible that this is not unrelated to the fact that I was holding the car keys... and that my 3 opponents cashed out 3 rounds early... but I won! And absolutely nobody in the entire bar cared. So I forced Emily to take a picture of me.

So far, the week has just about matched up. Apparently looking the ghost of Eleanor Abernathy in the face over the weekend was enough to neatly burn off the entire epilayer of cells from my eyeball. I suppose that it was either that, or the toxic chemicals that, it seems, are being belched into the air of bay 3 in the cleanroom. Regardless, the "skin" of my eye is peeling off, much like a sunburn. You might imagine that this would be quite painful. You would imagine correctly.


What's more awesome? The doctor gave me these fancy treatments to "fix" the problem. A quick look through the ingredients shows that she gave me watered down piranha etch. Just last week, I used this very same solution to completely dissolve copper from a plastic sheet. In the semiconductor biz, this concoction is used to clean just about anything off of a wafer. Because it eats just about anything. Piranha. It reacted so violently, that it melted the plastic wipe the beaker was sitting on and was bubbling like crazy the whole time. There's a warning on the bottle to not shoot the solution directly into your eye. The doctor said that people usually only do that once. So that's pretty cool.

And for now, I'm lubricating my eyeballs with eye lube. Jelly. Very kinky.

Posted by ndNips at 10:09 PM | Permalink | Comments

It has been relayed back to me that many find my post titles to be somewhat difficult to marry with their associated body. This stems from the fact that I enjoy twisting words around and adding a hearty helping of sarcasm. While at ND, I was told that my sense of humor was very difficult to pick up on, a problem I never quite understood. If you couldn't understand it then, then I suggest you never find yourself in a room with all 5 of my parents' male offspring: It runs in the family. Anyway, I received a text the other day from an unknown number that read:

Hey! Amazing little machines these. On a little break, should be looking 4 giraffes but far more interested in ice cubes! -Your Bro

So this is the first and only communication I've received from him since he decided to go to Sudan to provide medical care as a physician in the politically unstable environment 6 months ago. Apparently it is hot there?

I responded by texting "Every day is a beautiful day in the cleanroom."

Posted by ndNips at 11:03 PM | Permalink | Comments

Check it out! Stork's now Mr. Stork! I zoomed down to Sam's town to congratulate and bear witness to the now newly wed couple. Unfortunately, being a wedding noob, I had no idea when people would be arriving in the Wild West, so I departed the Polis at 6:30AM on Friday. Turns out that nobody was showing up until 9AM on Saturday. Oops. That's ok, though, because I did get to stay the night in a motel that smelled very much of urine (But no stains! And no blood pools! AND no STDs! (Pick one that's curable!)). In addition, I rented a Pontiac G6 for a steal and discovered that it was superior to iOFF in pretty much every way imaginable. I stumbled on some free concert when there was suddenly a horde of people around me. The musicians, especially trumpets and saxes, were amazing... but played Motown. So that didn't last too long. I also wandered the Art Institute. Ya know. Saw some Picasso. Monet. Pretty tight.

The wedding itself was very nice and, after I got past the fact that I immediately made a fool of myself and was dressed like a hillbilly compared to my company, I enjoyed it quite a bit. The reception was top notch... and the Shiner was delicious. I was glad I was able to attend. The Four Seasons Hotel was scarily awesome. They shined my shoes for me.

Posted by ndNips at 11:02 PM | Permalink | Comments

In every chapter of each of our individual tales, there are characters who play a recurring role and should be should be acknowledged for their gifts and commitments. Nips' Conniptions has just such a cast member who's role has swollen in prominence over the past year (Kind of like Kelly on the Office). Sadly, she has been hidden within the shadow of the beautiful and talented Blue Eyed Gopher. -No longer!- It is, at long last, time to rechristen the Blue Eyed Gopher's Cousin with an entirely original, applicable, and sticky moniker.

Either that, or she whined enough that I've finally given in.

Regardless, the decision is up to you, loyal readers (And more likely, you, Pro Stalker), to select a supersweet new pseudonym for the lovely miss gopher. I've included a few options for you to consider.

• Comet
• Knit
• Nips' [Mentally challenged] Sister
• Spag
• Mom
• Litigious Gopher
• Wayward Archie
• Stalks
• Eleanor Abernathy
• A-Town
• Cabbie

Leave your votes in the comments and we'll see what we can do.

Posted by ndNips at 10:48 PM | Permalink | Comments

Oh, man, Jay, what is your fascination with the Gophers? Seriously?

That is all.

-Nips.

Posted by ndNips at 11:25 PM | Permalink | Comments

Today was a stressful day, apparently, for a certain employee at a certain university who happens to have complete control over a certain peon's life. Said fellow was attempting to send an email to a student (who he was talking with 5 minutes prior), when his "E" key got stuck on his keyboard, leaving an ever-growing string of "e's" on the screen. Exasperated and unwilling to back down in the face of eeeeeeelectronic adversity, he did what any sane person would do: He grabbed his knife and neatly, quickly chopped off the keyboard cable in one swing, stopping the cursor in its tracks.

45 seconds later he entered the lab, swinging the offending decapitated peripheral above his head saying "This keyboard is broken, give me a new one," before taking one from under the fingertips of some poor schmuck in the stockroom.

Then he kept it and had us return a dirty old one in its place.

We learn a lot in grad school.


(Oh, and ethanol does a great job of cleaning filth off of a nasty keyboard)

Posted by ndNips at 10:44 PM | Permalink | Comments

For some reason, I have a fascination with transportation. I thoroughly enjoy learning about the history of the el, the cut-and-cover NYC MTA, and the fact that, at one time, Minneapolis/St. Paul once boasted a transit rail system that was considered by many to be the best in the United States. While I would probably call myself a "fan," and hardly give myself the title of expert, I feel that I am a relatively intelligent man... at least one who has a fair amount of education under his belt.

Despite this, the Metropolitan Council's transit system still baffles me. It is my understanding that the word "express" means "restricted availability" with a connotation of "rapid travel," since there are fewer stops on the way, items in the cart, or cars in the lane. For example, in the "sane lane," carpoolers are allowed to quickly avoid single-passenger traffic that is not allowed to cross over. Typically, I believe, express trains operate in a similar fashion: Select popular stops on the line (generally including the two termini) are made, while the rest are passed over in order to speed up the line.

The other day, I was waiting to get on the bus at a very well frequented stop, but suddenly realized that I most likely misread the schedule (another story) and was best off just walking to campus. One block later, at a nearly-always desolate stop, I saw a hand written sign slapped on a pole saying something like "BUS DRIVERS DO NOT STOP HERE EXPRESS ONLY." Given the lack of critical punctuation, I could only assume that the sign intended to say that this was a "local" stop that should be skipped by express routes (never mind that I've never seen an express route here) and the sign would not affect the "normal" rider. Suddenly a non-express bus drove up, so I waved my hands at it to pull over. Unwillingly, the driver acquiesced and, when I got on the bus, he chewed me out, asking if I couldn't read and to tell him what the sign said. I did, and he said "NO." and reread the exact thing back to me... this time with a different inflection, saying that he wouldn't stop for me again. The whole bus was giving me bad looks. I still have no idea what happened.

So, I'm confused.

And I don't ride the bus anymore.

Posted by ndNips at 10:08 PM | Permalink | Comments

As my profile explicitly states, I currently attend the University of Minnesota, a mishmash of buildings, policies, and propensities that is teeming with indifferent people and a veritable lack of school spirit. While there's much here that I am grateful for, it is obvious where my roots were sprouted: Tradition U. Everyone knows that the best time to generate a tradition is when all other forms of procrastination have failed, and I have certainly made my Alma Mater proud in this respect. It was, therefore, no surprise to my coworkers that as soon as finals week was over, I booked it for the Windy City care of the Megablock with Yoolrich.

Ostensibly, the primary mission of the weekend was to ridicule MJerk as she attempted to emcee an event which I only remember referring to as "That Asian Show." She danced solo, with a spotlight on, to Mims' masterpiece, in front of the crowd. Who knew she'd do all the work for us? She's a giver. That's why she's my Two-E-Fianc.

She also gave us the cold shoulder, claiming that she had to go to "class." Thankfully, the day was beautiful and I even got to meet up with Switch down at the Pier and finally rode the Ferris Wheel. It was treacherous. I have no photos to document these facts.

We also hung with the South African Blue Demon all around town and in his pad in the Marina City towers. It was probably most classic when he dumped beer all the way down the front side of Emily's body. 3 times. Bwahaha. During the war, I got to hang/meet Ryneese (Sp?). It was a result of this meeting that spawned "00G."

Mmm, also, we discovered a high tech clothing outfitter that somehow was able to change its name and poster boy to match the passersby. The genius of the place was how they Mexicanified your identity. It was, however, creepy that they knew my name without asking...


Oh, yeah, and my feet were repulsive. So repulsive that the descriptions of the crew caused all kinds of bystanders to try to catch a glimpse. Including in the el. Faaaantastic. No worries, though, we're all better now. Emily's stomach has mostly returned to the upright and locked position.


Aaand, it should be noted that I was only interesting for one day. The other days, I did absolutely nothing of note. That's why all my pics depict a blue-clad fellow. At least that's the best reason I can come up with. Perhaps I should bring my own camera next time.

And I could probably tie the conclusion back to the introduction... but the title doesn't really match that either... Soo... Tradition! Chicago! 00G!

("What is 00G???" - Junky.)

00G!

Posted by ndNips at 7:47 PM | Permalink | Comments

Editors Note:

This week at the Nips' Conniptions Compound, we are celebrating our very own centepostial by trying to ascertain exactly what good could possibly have come of our extended hours and travails spent generating mediocre entertainment content for your enjoyment. At one time, we could have been persuaded to believe that our labor served the noble purpose of tying together the victims of a collegiate diaspora, but now know that our readership very much more closely resembles a burgeoning population of stalkers. Thank God we all swore on our mothers' blood that we wouldn't Faceblock, or you'd probably know Nips' underwear size by now. But here's the funny part, silent stalkers: We have been tracking your activity and now know where you live and, if you happen to own a webcam, where you sleep. So we've got that going for us. Anyway, you too can join in the celebration, as we're kicking off Blitz 101, a blast of quantity-over-quality posts to get you through the rain-soaked spring before the summer comes and there is really no excuse for you to be at your computer any more. Happy 101st Post!

-The Posse.

Posted by ndNips at 7:24 PM | Permalink | Comments