Nips' Conniptions

Thanksgiving is a time for mild-mannered togetherness: a moment to gather as family and friends to give thanks for all that we have been blessed with. When you think about it, we are quite lucky to have the comforts of modern life, replete as it is with its list of physical attachments.... and our experiences. This weekend, however, I was destined to not only reflect on experiences past, but also to generate a wacky list of new ones. Shall we start from the beginning?

Wednesday night I headed home and ended up going out with Emily and MJ to a friend's house. The crew was dropping bombs. Seriously. Things got interesting when, in an act of vengeance, one of the guys threw a bomb up onto the balcony above the room we were in. We weren't able to hear the explosion for some reason, but a short time later, liquid started leaking through the ceiling. Fearing we had blown a hole in the roof, we went to investigate. Turns out it wasn't the bomb that was leaking. Nope, just the urine.

Gross.

In reference to Mal's blog that, at the very least, painted The Life Aquatic in a positive light... That was one of the worst movies ever. Seriously. "Lost in Translation" and now this? What about Bob?? Honestly! I will never let Emily live this one down. I can't believe she has picked out 100 horrible flicks in a row to watch. Boo, hiss, my friend. Boo, hiss.

The next day I was playing around with a $400 Louis Vuitton umbrella ($400 in Italy, who knows how much here) before driving around my dream car, a manual A4 around town. Getting blasted with A&F froo-froo juice was totally worth the drive ("What's that smell I keep smelling what the.... It's YOU!"). We carefully inspected the new Jag, too, before I took off. That night, we prePARTIED (Not "Gamed") at another friend's place, where, once again, MJ found a way to magically add color to my beverage (Also, Emily is my hero for driving us around) . We hit up Gabby's, saw a crew of Cotter alumni so large that it just about turned my stomach, and did our best to clean out as much of the wares behind the bar as we could.

Then, it happened: I finally found my one-and-only. My "better half," if you will. In a moment of pure joy and inspiration and inebriation, I got down on one knee and proposed to MJuice. You should have seen the rock I gave her. Sure the "diamond" was a little blue, but I think that the ND inscriptions (and my name) on it really show how much I care about her. That's why she didn't drop it in the bathroom... We set a date, too. June 14th. We're gonna rock the wheels off the Dub. "I'm going to be a June bride... weeee!"she says. "So... you are cordially invited to OUR wedding on June 14th (weather permitting... otherwise, it's iOff)." In addition, my fiance made me yell too much that night. Betty was frightened!

So my car is in a tough point in it's life. It has finally taken off that ridiculous "Special Edition" moniker, but is still pretty cloak and dagger about it's actual deficiencies. Like, it's lack of anti-lock brakes, for example. Good to know when you're sliding horizontally down the road into oncoming traffic. Good to know.

Thanksgiving dinner was nice... We had two of them at our house. Yuuup.

After the second dinner (Not in the same evening, but it really should have), I went to watch the ND game with the Awkward Posse. Cookies? Yes, please! Painful banter? No, thanks! And with that, I was gone. I took off before halftime to meet up with some friends at the Holiday Inn before trekking across the river to LaCrosse for some quality late-night entertainment (2am... wicked late. Later than Winona's 1am bar close, at least). When I get there, I find a crowd of 20! Turns out, we were taking the giant Holiday Inn passenger van down and my friend's dad was driving! Just bizarre. Anyway, it was an interesting squad we had full of a very wide variety of people (Including the Scientologist Pirate!). It was, as always, very good to see them all. We meandered from bar to bar and ended up at the dance club where it is distinctly possible that we danced on the stage. That may have happened. I may have been dancing with my friend's mother at one point? Mmm... these are distinct possibilities. Distinctly hilarious.

What story that includes $400 rain umbrellas, massive Holiday Inn drunk vans, Works Bombs, ND flavored engagements, near ND losses, and A4's could possibly suck? This one? Oh.

OH, GOD.

Posted by ndNips at 7:58 PM | Permalink | Comments

So, yeah. -2 degrees Fahrenheit.
That is so, so, so, so, so, so, so cold.
And so, so, so, so, so what "RealFeel" says it feels like here.

I almost was suckered into liking this snow stuff, this year. It's so nice looking! And there's no permacloud here, so it's all bright and happy! It looks like Christmas! The air is crisp and clean! And no, I don't hate puppies, Christmas, St. Paddy's Day, children, or cookies, Ted.

But then I biked to school. Thank God I didn't get run down by a city bus, though one tried, but I don't think that my fingers or lungs are quite ready to bust out the Ethi Happy Dance quite yet.

So cold.

So very cold.

------------
Addendum: ............and then I found out she was a guy.

Posted by ndNips at 2:20 PM | Permalink | Comments

"I... really don't know" was my answer this weekend as I attempted to check out the Dub scene. And an interesting scene it proved to be. Interesting.

It was a decent weekend. I decided to stretch out the newly retrieved iOFF's legs and head home to see the fam, et al. Friday was pretty chill and Saturday consisted mainly of chores and the like.

Saturday night I managed to find some old friends after hitting the delicious, delicious Acousmic and we headed out to some local bars, which, you may have guessed, are fairly disgusting. I saw a bunch of classmates that I haven't seen since graduation and hung out... good times, great lines: "Jared Andersen... right? No? Oh! Whaaat haaaaappened to you? You're sooo skinny"
Thanks.

Anyway, did the Dub scene until bar closing (which is at 1am. Ridiculous.) and drove over to Wisconsin to keep it up for another hour. OH, GOD, as if Wisconsin didn't suck enough already, George's in Wisconsin has solidified my hatred of that God forsaken state. Honestly... if it wasn't there, the only thing people would notice is how quickly they could get from Minneapolis to Chicago.

Afterwards, we went over to someone's house... who just happened to grow up about 20 yards from my house. How many words have I ever exchanged with her? I'm thinking 2. I'm a friendly guy. I also taught some poor drunkard how to skull a beer and yell like a pirate. Yarr! Shortly afterwards, I convinced him that his name was Ice Man... and that he had to bite down after "Ice" every time he said his name. And thus he was born: The Scientologist Pirate. That continued until he got sufficiently annoying, someone stripped him, and a group of women threw him in a bed. The end.

Made it home by 4:00am with enough sleep to take in all the victories the weekend had to offer: Irish, Gophers, Vikes, and (ugh) the Pack. Good work, squad.

Yarr.

Posted by ndNips at 1:55 PM | Permalink | Comments

Psst...

Hey, you.

Yeah, you!

Wanna go for a ride?

I'm sleek. Dark. Mysterious. Sporty. And "Special."

Come on! You can trust me, sweet thing. Nothing but Detroit Pride under this hood.

Baby, I'm sizzline! Look at my recs! Step inside and I'll show you my "Special Side."

OH, GOD.

Your lying days are over, iOFF! After a brutal court case, the likes of which this fair hamlet has not seen since the argument of whether or not to observe daylight saving time (just kidding... only backwards hicktowns have that experience), the iOFF has been officially stripped of its "Special Edition" title.

A local curiosity and object of much mockery, the "Special Edition" logo brandished by the iOFF was, as we have learned to our dismay, not authentic.

I'll give you a moment to change your underpants.

That's right! There never was anything special about it! The case has been closed! There really wasn't anything special about the lack of power locks, windows, or mirrors! Flying in the face of creationists everywhere, we have determined that there was nothing special even about the lack of cruise control!

After some intense sessions with psychiatrists, it is believed that the iOFF will again become a contributing member of society. Indeed, his recovery has been miraculous. After a scant $3,500, he is as nimble as a spring pup! Detailed inside and out, he is in better shape then at his first introduction. It is possible that he is short a little rubber, though, as some may have been left on the streets of Winona this weekend. With a clean conscience and a new "Special Edition"-free posterior, the iOFF is ready for some Chicago-style vroomation.

The streets are once again safe... for now.

(Editors Note: Apparently it is supposed to snow and be crappy for the rest of time... a pic of the somber iOFF in the cold rain is as good as you'll get.)

Posted by ndNips at 4:36 PM | Permalink | Comments

We are gathered here, this day/ afternoon/ evening/ morning at 3:00 (Get a life), in solemn rememberance. We call to mind all of joys of this life: the amazing opportunity we have all been given; The gift that was stolen away so prematurely from our friends Tank, F12, and StickMouse. Keep in your minds and hearts all of what these brave young soldiers gave. They were selfless in their devotion to their cause. They layed down their lives for the greater good. Yea, though I may walk through the valley of Death, StickMouse always was there, and always will be there to provide direction! In times of darkness and BSoD's, you remained true, my good friend. You were always there... locked in bitter contention with RealMouse and TrackPad. Until, of course, you began to suck so badly that I had to cram on you to get you to move, leading to your doom, you lazy sack. Your brothers miss you and lament your passing. We can only hope that you are running free in heaven... perhaps even catching the little black arrow you so courageously and faithfully chased for oh, so long. A tear has been shed in your honor.

And you, F12! Stolen away before you have ever had the chance to prove your meddle! Ripped away from this plane of existance... you, sir, will, regretably, be missed only for your good looks. Indeed, while I can't think of a single instance in which you were ever called into action, there is a void in the key family portrait that cannot, despite great efforts to prove otherwise, be replaced. Perhaps if you had just practiced better hygiene: I don't want to point fingers or anything, but if you had just cleaned yourself, that rag never would have snagged you. Curse Dell, your creator, for giving you such a needlessly complex and fail-prone design. It was not yet your time. A pristine pencil was snapped and cast across the room in the general direction of the garbage in your honor.

And last, but most certainly not least... Tank. Brother, we have been through it all. I do believe that I have sustained permanant knee damage from your incredible girth and the relentless beatings you dispensed from within your cargo pocket position of power. While I never met your mother, I am quite certain that I would not want to meet her in any dark alley. Anything that could produce such a massive mostronsity as yourself would surely inflict the deepest of all pains on a starving Ethi such as myself. You survived through AT&T and Cingular, laughs, derisive remarks, and long distance glider lessons, with nary a scratch. The object of much mockery, incredible periods of misuse, and general old-and-busted-ness, your fate has finally played out, your card pulled. They say that the "Long Goodbye" is the most painful: The slip from reality. For the last 4 months you have been in intensive care, while your young, camera-bearing replacement was testing out his green legs. A call to the voice mail confirms it: Doctors at Cingular terminated your position this morning at zero hundred hours. The wicked witch of Nokia is dead. You have been launched out the window in your honor.

Hazzah.

You may go in pieces, low-quality consumer crap technology.

Posted by ndNips at 2:37 PM | Permalink | Comments

Got money? Got extra weight? Got mediocre cooking skills? I got a deal for you. That's right, kids, the answer to all of your excessive weight problems is contained right here within these 4 Efficiency walls. It's fast, simple, and garrrrunteed. Will it affect your lifestyle? Of course! Will you hate me by the end? Probably! Will you finish the program feeling as though your muscles have been robbed of energy? You can only hope... I have! I am now offering the secret to my double-digit weight loss plan that has left me with a bunch of baggy clothes and a trim, albeit emaciated, bod. How do you opt in? How does it work? Simple! All you have to do is come cook for me. Eat what I eat and do what I do, and you will soon be disgusted at how quickly the pounds come off. Sometimes you can actually feel them running away (though sometimes their screams are a little overly dramatic...). Skeptical? I was too! Particularly since I formerly ranked in the "Dangerous Body Fat Composition -- Any accident/trip to hospital that may preclude normal diet would lead to serious problems" category! What am I now? Who knows? I could probably die at any second! What I do know is that my proven weightloss regime will drop your weight to levels that approximate how much you weighed back when you were half your height.


OH, GOD.


So, CNN made this awesome little graphic to show the results of the latest survey showing the top 10 states for auto-deer collisions. It featured a map of the United States with ranked states of different hues. Just in case you missed the deer headline, intro deer picture, deer article, and deer caption, they showed a picture of an elk crossing sign at the top of the graphic. An elk.

OH, GOD.

Driving home from the plantation today and pulled up to a stop a couple blocks from my apartment. There I spied an unkept looking fellow who was demonstrating an odd posture on the street corner. It took me a moment to realize that the gentleman was openly relieving himself on a sign. He happened to be surrounded by, I believe (and I don't think I am exaggerating...), 15 lanes of traffic. 4:10 pm. Brazen.

OH, GOD.

Posted by ndNips at 4:56 PM | Permalink | Comments

If you have ever talked to me on the IM bapper, you know that it is a truly unique experience. Unfortunately (or fortunately?) I cannot accept the direct responsibility for this ineffable phenomenon. That honor is given to my good friend, Trillian. Trillian is an interesting chap. In a former life, I'm sure he was a poltergeist. At times he is an ally, but more often, a prank-pulling foe. He corrects my spelling, adds cool French letters, and allows me to converse with all sorts of people... he also has a penchant for lies. He loves to lie to people... making up activities that I am allegedly doing so that I can't talk to you. For a long time, he thought it was hilarious to tell everybody I was going to retrieve my car. He also had a thing about me eating caramel or something. Much worse, he would occasionally fabricate descriptions of me! He'd make preposterous claims in my profile against my knowledge. Prankster.

Anyway, Trillian went to school and came back a new man. Trillian 3 PRO. Thanks to Juice! Someone beat the sin out of him... or at least honesty into him... and he's much more reliable now. So, as a toast to my dear friend, I offer up one of the first items he ever had to lie about in my profile: The Ethinary.

Schizzlehobbery- n.- craziness of schmu variety.

Ethiopian Call -n.- intense cry of happiness/ridiculousness.

Dahernda -n.- laziness of the schmu variety in verbage. (see Schizzlehobbery)

Schamalama- salutation.- Bidding of a fond/brotherly adieu.

Schmu- Direct n.- A way of life.

Schné- n.- Snow.

Schnédé- n.- Snow day.

Steak- fig. speech.- Pleased explicative. “Cool steak, man!”

Home Skillet- n.- Endearing title. “What’s up, home skillet?”

Penguino- n.- Penguin.

Hochimiyon- v.- 1. Come to understanding, 2. Acknowledge someone’s stupidity.

Schme- Indirect n. – Related to “Schmu” with a less clear target. “Hey, put that schmu by the schme”

The “Target Call” –n.- My boss’s way of using the Ethiopian Call without sounding degrading.

Schmulu/Schmuluhu –n. – Expansions on schmu

Punjab- n.- Indian restaurant necessitating the inaugural Ethiopian Call in its entirety.

Viernes? –pro. – Expression acknowledging the stupidity of a comment, asking for clarification in a boisterous manner

Volcano-o? – pro. – Expressing utter disbelief in the stupidity of a comment.

“Wait, wait… the dope is where?” –fig. – Expression indicating the redundancy/stupidity of said statement/situation/media production, etc.

“The dope is in the ice.” –fig.- (see “Wait, wait… the dope is where?”) – 1. Expression answering “Wait, wait… the dope is where?” 2. Statement of retaliation of an offense in which a person assumes your stupidity.

Romamama – n- 1. Tuxedo, adj-2. Nice looking, refined.

Happy Dance – n – Dance of intense elation incorporating the “Ethiopian Call” reserved for periods of overwhelming joy. “He was so happy he didn’t have H&B, he did the happy dance right there in the middle of the store”

Jtothalo- fig. – Expression of exasperation, disgust, dejection, and confusion, all in one.

Dell –n- Evil.

Whoa... highschoolicious.

Posted by ndNips at 3:40 PM | Permalink | Comments