Nips' Conniptions

It has been commented on several occasions, mainly by yours truly, that the iOFF is a perversion of modern design. I have yet to be able to find a single piece of metal on the vehicle and am continually astounded by the incredible use of plastics, composites, etc. featured from bumper to bumper. Figure in the bizarre instrument panel positioning and lack of cruise control, and this ride very nearly resembles something you might imagine that the future chewed up, soaked in slimy future-juice, and projectile vomited back into 2003.

As such, I think it is only right that I begin performing some medieval medicinal procedures on it. Today I had it in for its traditional 3,000 mile bloodletting and, while considering the value of a sack full of leeches, I noticed a faint hissing sound emitting from the rear passenger side tire. Indeed, the traitorous radial has sprung a leak. I have decided to let it bleed.

It got me thinking, though... you may recall that it was the rear passenger side that recently got banged up in Chicago. In addition, it was the rear driver side that got so violently punched in mere months ago. Of course, there is no way of really setting any clear timeline on this issue, but it seems like the cancer is spreading. So far, it has overtaken the whole rear end of the car... I don't even want to know what happens when it migrates north to the front end. My personal belief is that it is time for an emergency rear-of-the-car-ectomy. Kill it before it kills the rest of the beast. It seems like the only humane thing to do.

Either that... or the car's got the Hiv.

In that case, Larry, you'd better watch out. Walter's coming. And he's calmer than you are.

Posted by ndNips at 1:28 PM | Permalink | Comments

Well, folks, it is done. The first week of school has been completed with more wins than losses. I juggled around the schedule a fair amount and waited until today to actually buy my books, but it appears that the academic semester has really started, whether I like it or not.

In the meantime, a fair amount of rocktastical celebrating was accomplished in the fair streets of the 'polis, the likes of which can never be fully comprehended. Indeed, it took 2 full days of sleep, and only sleep, to recover. Intense.

The beginning of the week focused on the celebration of Em's bday. I'm sure I mentioned this in the last blog, but... I'm too lazy to check. Quick run down: The Swede was wasted. 2 morticians were there, one got pick up by a guy she could not pick out of a lineup. An Iraqi shoved a dollar bill down Emily's shirt. I saw some of the LA Clipper's in the bar. It snowed a lot. Aaaaand... craziness happened. Happy Birthday, chica!

Then on Thursday, it was time to celebrate the blue eyed Rambler Gopher's bday! We prepartied a bit, had some cake, threw some "graffiti," and wished the loveable gopher a good one. When we got to the bar, Link and I toasted to our good friend Mr. Leinenkugel... and the beer chair for cradling him so well. Festiveness occurred, much as you'd expect.Friday, a change of scenery was observed as I went to work and then to the company Christmas party. The spread was absolutely astonishing. Never before have I seen so much good food in one place before. Good people, great conversation, and amazing food. It was a shame that I suffered an allergic reaction to the wine, though. The wine... or perhaps the crab legs? It may have been the seafood ravioli, mustard vinaigrette, prime rib, shrimp, rainbow trout, or sushi, however. It is difficult to say, but I'm fairly certain that it was not the decadent raspberry cheesecake roll with whipped cream and berry drizzle, or the 7-layer chocolate de leche cake, or even the hand churned ice cream. Mmmm... anyway, the net result was furious coughing, burning eyes/throat, and general yuckness. I think that the second long island took care of that though, when we hit the 3rd bar of the pub crawl that night. In final celebration for the blue eyed one's birthday, we crawled around Dinkytown and had a blast. Some girl accused me of being 17. Mmm... she was attractive, though, so... anyway, we hit the Irish Pub, went to the Burrito Loco for one of the most odd Mexican dance parties I have ever seen, went by the Dinkytowner?, cast aside the "Kitty Kat Club," and ended up at the Library. I have to say that the Library was quite impressive. If for no reason other than the huge cube of LCD TVs hanging from the ceiling. Too bad they were all showing hockey. Some delicious pizza was had, courtesy of our good friend Shuey of yore, and finally the night was called.

I'm pretty sure I spent 90% of Saturday and Sunday in bed, waking only to make some delicious food and to drag Emily to the Granite City Brewery where the waitress insulted me for my excellent beverage selection. Her tip was reduced.

Posted by ndNips at 5:37 PM | Permalink | Comments

Yesterday involved classes and whatnot. Somewhere midday, I realized that I had no notebooks, folders, books, or anything scholarly save my backpack. So I suckered Emily into taking me to 3 (Three) Target stores including the a.) Nice, b.) Super, and c.) Ghetto Target store. No notebooks were found on said excursion.

However... pants were found.

My hatred of pants burns within me, but has been slighly chilled by the 20 degree weather and snow we've been getting. Some key extremities were getting frustrated with the abuse inherent to nakedness in such conditions. Besides, it was time to replace the pants that were so badly shaken (and "destroyed") in the savage street attack in Chicago... if only to preserve their memory.

Behold: Pants.

Posted by ndNips at 5:14 PM | Permalink | Comments

So, it turns out that the weekend, and hence, the break, is now over. Not without a little fun, though! Saturday involved rocking. Sunday involved much sleeping and a trip to the new Walker Art Institute. Emily and I decided that art sucks. I suppose art is supposed to make you look at things in new ways and explore deeper meanings behind certain objects. Unfortunately, I looked at art in new ways and explored the deeper meaning of how much it sucks. Actually, I really did. I've got pages of stuff written about it now. It was deep. And meaningful.

Yesterday was Emily's birthday! Happy birthday, Emily! The gran 21. Of course, preparation for such an event is something that requires a significant amount of time! Like... 20 minutes, for example! Turns out that during the week, Metro area liquor stores close at 8pm. Bizarre. After making some phone calls, we managed to find a renegade store in the heart of the Minneapolis ghetto. Navigating a grumpy Jeep through some very high quality Minneapolis weather, we managed to hit up said establishment and procure some unsloppy slop (grip). Good times ensued! Link was there, the Swedish Gopher was there (and thoroughly housed). Roommates, friends, cousins... all in abundance. We hit up "Drink," did a poor job of avoiding some crazy Iraqi who may or may not have found himself the victim of a lap dance or two (NOT by me), and generally had a good time on a snowy night.

Today was the first day of classes. I showed up for my 1 class at 9:45. It was about biosensing stuff and was 75 mins long. All we talked about was the syllabus. The entire time. I thought I was doing a good job of staying awake... but at one point found my eyes closed. Unfortunately, this was the very moment that the profs started talking about what your brain waves look like when you fall asleep to theirlecture. A quick eye pop confirmed it... they were looking at me. D'oh.

I rode the bus home for the first time ever. An interesting experience.

And then I slept.

A very long time.

And it was delicious.

Posted by ndNips at 7:57 PM | Permalink | Comments

Winter break was invented by genii.

So far, this particular winter break has far exceeded any in recent memory. My ability capture it all in words is distinctly limited, and, as such, I will not even try. Yet, even the medium for such conveyance has been recently called into question. More particularly, the accuracy of this blog's title has been called into doubt and several alternate quips have been proposed. The two most prominent suggestions have been: "Reasons for and Degrees of Hatred towards iOFF" and "My Life is Freakin' Crazy." Both have a fair amount of merit, I suppose... and in a nod to each, this post shall strive to encapsulate both.

So I flew to Arizona for the ND-Ohio State football event. After spending the day meandering the gerbil track known as the SkyWay system and assisting in pre-paradise shopping in the 'Polis with the Hawaii-bound Swedish Gopher, I somehow managed to still arrive at the airport with only a moment to spare. Always one to extend a helping hand, NWA graciously delayed takeoff for 20 minutes. This was a fantastic change in plans, particularly since I arrived at 12:20am on New Year's day.

Then the game happened.

Great times were had with Mal, Ball, Kel, Dixie, Goat, and Jimmy.
(And hence, any more information would be old news)

Then it came time for a sad departure. Armed with the sandal in my cargo pocket, I ventured off to take to the air and return to the tundra. Happily, I ended up on the same flight has as a talented Irish Johnny, with whom I attempted to grab a beverage with near the gate. After 30 minutes and the angry protests of a pregnant woman, the waitress finally took our order. Unhappily, NWA was just as hospitable. Turned out our plane was in good shape... but on its way to Minneapolis without us. We, unfortunately, were stuck with a busted plane that had been chillin' in the gate all day.

So we got to stay in the ASU Holiday Inn that night. To say we made light of the situation would be an understatement. Renee, the 45 year old airline rep, was totally digging us. It was only mildly disturbing. Anyway, we hit the Library, watched the PSU/FSU game, witnessed some scenes that really could only be described as "obscene" (Or perhaps "Obscenely Awesome"), and engaged in a high quality conversation with the drunks working at the Taco Bell. Fantastic times were had. We then flew home and I felt the sting of the Minneapolis chill, sandal in hand. Scheduled departure time: 6:40pm. Actual departure time: 8:45am. Reminiscent of the NYC Big East trip? Disgustingly.

The next weekend I jumped in the iOFF and booked it for Chicago. There, Fiancee (2 E's) had some particularly toxic 99 Slop boozahol waiting for us and, after a quick trip to the White Hen to buy something more palatable, we went to work catching up with the Irish Johnny's girlfriend. A short stumble later, we found her at the "Irish Eyes" public house. Good times were had. As always, Emily and MJ were superior hosts.

The next day, at the crack of 2pm, we awoke and hit the historic Unos downtown. Delicious. After the obligatory stop at the Apple Store (Where an odd security guard kept following me around making comments such as "Hoooweeee... it smells like chili in here!," "How much for a slice of that pizza?," "Oooo... I bet there's some good cheese on there," and "Sorry, I'm on the job." This might not seem as strange if they were all delivered together... but, no... this guy kept spotting us and coming over and expressing his affection for the Italian deliciousness. (How's that for a parenthetical?)), we met up with the Screaming Eagle-Hoya-Rambler MD (Also known as my brother) who took us to eat at an amazing rib joint. I was impressed (I also learned that it is un-American to wait 20 mins at a sushi bar?). Later on, Emily, Juicy, and I went to a swanky wine bar downtown in the House of Blues with "Prof Rock," the phd who ordered me 4 glasses of ridiculous wine at once. Underdressed? That's me! The evening was capped by an interesting trip to the "Wet" bar where I was, amazingly, the only white guy in a crowd of hundreds. The girls made the sicko next to me very jealous. I had fun!

The next day we made pancakes and eggs. They turned out good! And besides... the most exciting part of the trip is getting there... right? Now you know how to make pancakes!

Then IT happened.

I came out of the apt to see the iOFF with its tail tucked well between its legs. The little prick was mouthing off to the locals again, it seemed. I leave the dumb thing alone for mere moments, and it insists of picking fights. It got HIT. AGAIN. MULTIPLE TIMES. I can't even believe this dumb car. How can one car be the victim of so much ill will? That apparition of a crosshair on the back window appears to me increasingly significant. Come on, iOFF. Learn to get along with others. Look how hungover he is.

So we drove home through the disgusting snow, with memories of crazy randomness, in my devil car.

So it was a great week. I got to spend time with my awesome pals from ND, got to hit the "Irish Pub" with some very quality bandies, and got to rawk Chicago with a unparalleled cast and crew.

Posted by ndNips at 10:33 PM | Permalink | Comments