Nips' Conniptions

Even the greatest innovators of our country's proud past have encountered shortcomings in their work. The great Knute Rockne had MSU in his first year. Tiger caught his breath between Masters. Nips found the shortcoming of his great invention in the form of the classic battle for labor rights. How fitting that, in the 100th year anniversary of Upton Sinclair's "The Jungle," written to expose the harsh conditions of immigrant workers in the meat packing industry, I come to my own labor concern: Strike.

It appears that the writers, who I have come to rely on in the production of material and content for this blog, have decided to spurn me, and therefore you, dear readers. As such, out of loyalty, I will provide my own account of, what I call "Insanity in the City of Big Shoulders."

Our story of peril, intrigue, and mimosas begins a half hour before I was supposed to leave work. I left work. Following my departure, I, accompanied by my merry band of females (henceforth referred to as "harem"), made our way to the Megabus stop. Rumors abound describing how I rode the bus 3 blocks in order to get to said stop, while leaving the harem in the dust. Rumors are not to be trusted.

So the Megabus (Henceforth referred to as "MegaBlock") was freakin' ridick. It cost us an amazing sum of $1.50 each to get to Chicago. Preposterous. The driver was a lead foot who gave several condescending remarks, flew through constructions zones at 80mph, and launched us to Union Station in 7 hrs with a full half hour break. Impressive work, sir. Your glasses rocked, as well. It was also learned, to Emily's chagrin, that Wisconsinites do not read.

We hit the ground running, grabbed a brew in LP, soberly ate drunk food at Clark's, and maliciously made fun of everybody in the vicinity. Night falls, dawn rises.

We wake before ten and rush to buy champagne at the first possible moment. MJ dresses in an M&M costume; terrorizes small children. I made a solemn vow: "If I ever have a daughter and, when I drive a huge trailer 5 hours to come move her crap... and her best friend comes out wearing an M&M costume with an afro... I'll lose it. I'll just drive home right then." Poor Dad.

Shortly thereafter, MJ kept tripping me and making me fall in the grass. Bad fiancee! Bad! Someone mistakenly assumed that we were not feeling well. I assured them that nothing could be farther from the truth. Emily was very sweet and took control. Some other stuff happened, and then I was at the Home Depot at 10pm. Why? To buy paint for a paddle. You get no more information.

An invigorating El ride later, which included a man vomiting into a bag, we ended up at a bar where KTO's friend apparently poorly paid off a bouncer to let us cut in line. Second time's a charm, apparently. I also brutally made fun of a guy who grew up a half hr from my house and now is a med student. Never mind the fact that I had never met him before. Oh, and the lights kept flickering: "HEEEEEEEY EVERYBODY! I MIGHT BE DRUNK!" Yes, sir, I believe you were.

I ate Chicago pizza. It was not powdered sugar. It was still delicious.

Hit downtown, nobody hit me: I consider this both a success and an improvement.

Met up with the bro, had some awesome food. MJ tried to be a wine snob. Since she's my fiancee, I'll say that she was met with success. We all rocked 'er over at a place called "The Apartment" where my bro's friend "Mathusla" showed up. "Mathusla" was 6'6". Insanity reigned, thick girls were photographed, "filial respect" was granted to one, refused to another, and we fled to a cave. A cave called the "Katacombs"... which was a cave. In the city. Insanity with the doctor ensued, as you'd expect. "Mathusla," at one point, came to me with a worried look on his face: "Dude... there's some guy on one of your Asians... is that cool, or do we have trouble here?" Good times. Asian report: "Mission Successful: Code Blue"


At some point, "Fing" became the word de week.

Food, food. This great little bakery.

Then we had to come home. Emily was very compassionate to her former classmate and more. It was touching. I need not elaborate.

Wind nor rain nor snow nor sleet can stop the MegaBlock. Frozen dinners, on the other hand... will delay its arrival by at least 2 hrs. Particularly when they are strewn across 3 lanes of traffic on the interstate in Nowhere, WI. Accidents are sad and should be avoided. We watched Ashton be an idiot in a movie and, at one point, learned that our bus driver not only was the best Spanglish speaker on the planet, but was also blind. She could not see what was written on the button she was pointing at. It was 1.5 feet from her face and well lit.

I sat back in my seat assured of my fate.

Worse than death: Far from Chicago.

So there you go. Perhaps this will incite my suppliers to once again start producing witty entries to spare the world this drivel.

Most special thanks to Emily for being so very, very awesome on this trip.

And, of course to Junky for the pad to slam.

Posted by ndNips on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 at 10:08 PM | Permalink