The iOff Departure
The iOff has gone to a better place: A place where it will no longer be taunted. A loving environment where it will not be struck for sport or jeered for laughs. The ol' boy is off someplace where it will be respected for what it is: "Special." That place is Raymond's Auto Spa/Body Shop. I'm sure they will treat it with the utmost of care. From what I hear, they have only the most advanced massage tools to take the kinks (and crumples) out of the revered single charged particle's traumatized backbone/uniframe. Ever the tuff guy, the Ion hid its bruises from the casual observer with its plastic exterior... shielding the damage out of modesty. In fact, the pain from within dragged our protagonist to its knees. Even the use of external cosmetics, such as the donning of a new light fixture could not ease the struggles. The doctors have been grim. They say that in order for a full recovery, he will need at least a week's worth of pampering and surgery. The cost of this emotional and physical burden? An amazing $3,500. The poor guy...
What could do this to such a proud little vehicle? What on earth could cause such pain to be felt under that cool and calm plastic exterior? Just ask any man: A woman. Indeed, it was a woman, enraged by the actions (possibly?) of her boyfriend (perhaps?), who took command of her significant other's hulking Jeep while "freaked out" and accelerated to a speed of 30 mph over the distance of 20 yds in reverse before slamming into a slumbering iOff. This mighty blow dropped our hero like a shot in the back (because it was).Despite valiant first aid efforts by the woman's boyfriend, the iOff was unable to fully regain its poise and posture. It's body ached and shuddered. It had to seek medical attention, and fast. The prognosis? Not good. Damage totally nearly half of the earthly value of the proud steed. Flowers will be accepted during the iOff's painful recovery.
Until then, it's "Screw the Ion, I hated it anyway!!" I've been hittin' the streets in a spiffy little Malibu that is fully loaded with power everything, including mats!! Well, not mats... but everything else! Can't say I really appreciate the design of the car, but I have keyless entry now. Booya. Unlimited mileage and a free half tank of gas! Thanks, American Family! I miss my Passat.Get well soon, iOff!
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