Nips' Conniptions

Speaking of iOff, one of his contemporaries has recently been laid to rest. It is true, Flaco Fone is dead. His crackly, bulky days are over. Much like his predecessor, Tank, Flaco Fone survived through too many carrier changes: He was born a Midwest Wireless phone, matured into a Alltel device, and finally passed on to consumer junk heaven through Verizon's pearly gates as a tech carcass. He took flight, for a short time, at the 2005 Fiesta Bowl while soaring several rows of bleachers towards the field, earning his first true bruises. He flew apart into as many as four pieces often, most notably into a Minneapolitan puddle after the Irish suffered their first loss of the 2009 season. He was continually clogged with dust, endured several run-ins with various walls, chewed through multiple batteries, and withstood constant derision by all who met him. He went from being a "Hey, cool, new phone!" to a nostalgic "Hey, my older brother used to have one of those," to finally a "What the crap is that?" vintage communicator. It even could cruise analog-style. Likewise, it was notoriously bad at remembering things, especially all sent messages. Recently a Verizon employee laughed at him in the face when I asked if I could give a firmware update breath of life to the Finnish warrior.